Rusty's Good Laughs - the Joke Lists

Listing-style Jokes

The Long Numerals

DRIVE THRU ATMs

HIS
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt
HER
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in first
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release hand brake
41. Release hand brake

Source: FWD: Jenifer Phillips (orginally from: Paul M. Lalicata)

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TECHNOLOGY FOR COUNTRY FOLK

1. LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
2. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
3. MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the woodstove.
4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the faarwood off the truck.
5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin' the faarwood.
6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much faarwood.
7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the faarwood.
8. HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time.
9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it's cold outside.
11. SCREEN: Whut to shut when it's 'skeeter season.
12. BYTE: Whut dem dang 'skeeters do.
13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.
14. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag.
15. MODEM: Whacha did to the hay fields.
16. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife.
17. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.
18. KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang truck keys.
19. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs.
20. MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn.
21. MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole.
22. MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn ruf.
23. ENTER: Northerner talk fer, C'Mon in y'all!

Source: Tony Haefs (with some minor editting)

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How Things Would Be Different If Microsoft Were Located In Georgia!

****Jest take y'r shoes off, kick back on the porch swang, and enjoy the following:****

1. Their No. 1 product would be "Microsoft Winders".
2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle.
3. Occasionally, you'd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag and some duct tape.
4. Instead of "Yes", "No", or "Cancel", dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Aww-right", "Naw", or "Git".
5. Instead of "Ta-Dah!", the opening sound would be "Dueling Banjos".
6. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders95 would be an outhouse.
7. Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player, you'd hear "Freebird!"
8. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders95 theme song would be "Boot Scootin' Boogie".
9. Powerpoint would be named "ParPawnt".
10. Instead of "VP", Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz".
11. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.
12. Daisy Duke screen saver.
13. "Well, the first thing you know old Bill's a billionaire..."
14. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator.
15. Microsoft CEO "Billy-Bob" (a.k.a. "Bubba") Gates.
16. "ParPawnt" would have a "Pond Scum" and a "Junk Yard" presentation template.
17. One wrong turn while surfing the web would send you face to face with a 12 gauge shotgun.
18. "This computer protected by Smith and Wesson screen saver.
19. Directions to Corporate Headquarters - "Down the road a block or so".
20. Microsoft Word includes a phonetic spell checker-"Hookt on fonics werkt 4 me".
*** Ya'll come back now, ya' hear? ***
Source: Forwarded E-mail

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So you think you're computer-illiterate? Check out the following excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article by Jim Carlton
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on.. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."
8.. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped; it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

Original article by Jim Carlton

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15 Potential Problems with Cloning Humans

15 "Penn & Penn & Teller & Teller & Teller & Penn & Penn & Teller & Penn" much harder to fit on comedy club marquee.
14 Oprah will now have some real competition, herself... and herself and herself.
13 Any scientific advancement that stems from the result of Scottish people doing strange things to sheep is bound to have dire consequences.
12 "Alternative" radio filled with even more Nirvana clones.
11 Employment rates are bad enough now just wait for the perfect employee clone.
10 If you think there are too many idiots shouting "Show me the money!" on every occasion now, just wait.
9 Two words: Gilbert Gottfried(s)
8 Harder than ever to land a role in those new Wrigley's commercials featuring the Doublemint Octuplets.
7 And you think it's hard to find your size now!
6 18-month waiting list for George Clooney and Cindy Crawford clones.
5 In mere weeks, Bill Gates (v1.0, v1.2, v2.0, v3.0, v3.1 & v5.0) has all the money on the entire planet.
4 And the final score: the New York Gretzkys - 408, the Pittsburgh Lemieuxs - 399.
3 Instant cult.
2 Move over Elvis impersonators. Here come the Elvis clones!
1 Bill Clinton will have found a way to remain president.