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  Listing-style Jokes 

Why Dogs Are Better Than Women

• Dogs love it when your friends come over.
• Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo to wash the car.
• Dogs don't shop.
• Dogs think you can sing great.
• A dogs time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
• Dogs don't expect you to call when you're running late.
• The later you are, the more excited a dog is to see you.
• If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
• Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
• A dogs parents never visit.
• Dogs never criticize.
• Dogs agree you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
• Dogs never expect gifts.
• It's legal to chain a dog to keep it at home.
• Dogs never keep you waiting, they're ready to go at the drop of a hat.
• Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, perfume, or jewelry.
• Dogs don't disagree with anything, no matter how stupid it is.
• Dogs seldom outlive you.
• Dogs understand that instincts are superior to asking for directions.
• ANYONE can get a good-looking dog.

Source: Fwd from Tony Haefs (from some other Texan)

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How Many Employees Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?

• One to file the user input report on the bad bulb.
• One to revise the user interface specifications.
• One to build the prototype.
• One to approve the project.
• One project manager.
• Two product marketing managers.
• One to write the light bulb product revision plan.
• Seven to alpha-test the light bulb.
• One to revise the light bulb operating system.
• One to obtain FCC certification.
• One to write the manual.
• One to write the self-running light bulb demo.
• One to copy-protect the light bulb.
• One to place the order for each light bulb.
• One to distribute the light bulb.
• One to organize the product introduction party.
• One to make the press announcement.
• One to announce the light bulb to the sales force.
• One to train service.
• And one service technician to swap out the light bulb.

Source: Da Joke List

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Actual Bumper Stickers

• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• I love cats ... they taste just like chicken.
• Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
• Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
• As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
• Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
• Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.
• I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
• Tow-ers will be violated.
• Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
• The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
• I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
• It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
• Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
• It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
• Forget about World Peace..... Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
• Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
• We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
• Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
• He/She who laughs last thinks slowest.
• Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
• Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
• Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
• Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
• i souport publik edekasion
• We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
• Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
• 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
• Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
• Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
• Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
• 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
• I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.

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New Bumper Stickers

•  A Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen And This Kitchen Is Delirious
•  No Husband Has Ever Been Shot While Doing The Dishes
•  A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
•  Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
•  Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
•  A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Misspent Life
•  Housework Done Properly Can Kill You
• Countless Numbers Of People Have Eaten In This Kitchen and Gone On To Lead Normal Lives
• My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.

Source: Fwd from Sarah Craft

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One-liners from the Mirror Ezine

• If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help.
• 43.3% of statistics are meaningless!
• Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.
• It said 'Insert disk #3', but only two will fit.
• Which is the non-smoking lifeboat?
• |||||||//////__ __ __ __ __ The domino effect at work.
• Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
• Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
• If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer.
• Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty.
• Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!
• Nothing's impossible for those who don't have to do it.
• We do precision guesswork.
• My life has a superb cast, but I can't figure out the plot.
• A penny saved is a government oversight.
• Shin - Device for finding furniture in the dark.

Source: The Mirror Ezine

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WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

PAT BUCHANAN:  To steal a job from decent, hardworking Americans
LOUIS FARRAKHAN:  The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
THE BIBLE:  And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road."  And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS:  I missed one?
L. A. POLICE DEPARTMENT:  Give us five minutes with the chicken and we will find out.
RICHARD M. NIXON:  The chicken did not cross the road.  I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.  I don't know any chickens.  I have never known any.
DR. SEUSS:  Did the chicken cross the road?  Did he cross it with a toad?  Yes!  The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed,  I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:  To die.  In the rain.
MARTIN LUTHER KING,  JR.:  I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA:  In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.  If someone told us the chicken crossed the road, that was good enough for us.
ARISTOTLE:  It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX:  It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSAIN:  This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on the chicken.
CAPTAIN JAMES T.  KIRK:  To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FREUD:  The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
EINSTEIN:  Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken.
BILL GATES:  I have just released Chicken 2000, which will not only cross the road, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, balance your check book, and Explorer is an inextricable part of the operating system.
BILL CLINTON:  I did not  cross the road with that  chicken.

Source: Fwd from David & Maura Hall

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Things parents have learned from their kids:

• There is no such thing as child-proofing your house
• A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant
• Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence
• Plastic toys do not like ovens
• Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry
• A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect)
• If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
• When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
• Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
• A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
• If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.
• A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
• Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
• Super glue is forever.
• McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
• No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
• Pool filters do not like Jello.
• VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
• Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
• The fire department in San Jose has at least a 5 minute response time.
• The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Source: Random Silliness

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Kids and proverbs

*As you shall make your bed so shall you...............mess it up.
*Better be safe than...........................punch a 5th grader.
*Strike while the ...................................bug is close.
*It's always darkest before.................daylight savings time.
*You can lead a horse to water but............................how?
*Don't bite the hand that.............................looks dirty.
*A miss is as good as a........................................Mr.
*You can't teach an old dog new..............................math.
*If you lie down with the dogs, you'll.......stink in the morning.
*The pen is mightier than the................................pigs.
*An idle mind is............................the best way to relax.
*Where there's smoke, there's...........................pollution.
*Happy the bride who........................gets all the presents.
*A penny saved is........................................not much.
*Two's company, three's............................the musketeers.
*Laugh and the whole world laughs with you;
cry and...............................you have to blow your nose.
*Children should be seen and not..............spanked or grounded.
*When the blind leadeth the blind..............get out of the way.

Source: Fwd from Sarah Craft

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You just might be a grad student if:

• You can identify universities by their internet domains.
• You are constantly looking for a thesis in novels.
• You understand jokes about Foucoult.
• The concept of free time scares you.
• You consider caffeine to be a major food group.
• The professor doesn't show up to class and you discuss the readings anyway.
• You've ever traveled across two state lines specifically to go to a library.
• You appreciate the fact that you get to choose which twenty hours out of the day you have to work.
• You've ever worn out a library card.
• You find yourself citing sources in conversation.
• You've ever sent a personal letter with footnotes.

Source: Humor and Games

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English Pleas

• That's the last straw! Now I'll have to use a glass.
• There's no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
• English muffins weren't invented in England nor French fries in France.
• Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
• We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
• And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing; grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, two geese. So one moose, two meese? One index, two indices?
• Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend; that you comb through the annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
• If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
• Sometimes, I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?  Have noses that run and feet that smell?
• How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?
• Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love?
• Have you ever run into someone who was dis-combobulated, grunted, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?
• You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down; in which you fill in a form by filling out; and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.
• English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). "Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to?" (Clarence Darrow)
• That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when you wind up a watch,  you start it, but when you wind up an essay, you end it!

Source: FWD from Sarah Craft, Author Unknown

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Real Announcements from Church Bulletins,

as Reported by the New York Times News Service

• For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
• Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
• A bean supper will be held Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
• At the evening service on Sunday, the sermon topic will be WHAT IS HELL? Come early and listen to our choir practice.
• Don't let worry kill you... let the church help.
• Thursday Night: Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
• This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
• This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
• The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of all kinds and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday.
• Weight Watchers will meet at 7:00 p.m. in the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double doors at the side entrance.
• Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items for recycling. Proceeds will go to cripple children.
• The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign with the slogan "I Upped my Pledge -- Up Yours!"

...then see who the "others" are.

Now, where would you like to go? To the Top of Page;
Good Laughs; Telling the Tales- The Long of It, The Short of It; Listing the Laughs- The Top Ten Lists, The Long Numerals, Among the Unnumbered, The Vocabulary List; or Rusty's Home?
Want to discover more about Jesus Christ?

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