"The Long of It" Jokes

Do you want to hear the long or short of it? Short Tales

Watch out for those beans!

(I apologize if you don't like the crudeness of this joke. It's a guy thing... Sorta'.)

Once upon a time there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively effect on him. Then, one day, he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She is such a sweet and gentle girl, who will never go for this kind of carrying on." So he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up eating beans. They were married shortly thereafter.

Some months later his car broke down on the way home from work, since they lived in the country he called his wife and told her that he would be a little late because he had to walk home. On his way, he passed a small cafe and the odor of freshly baked beans was overwhelming. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured that he would work off the ill effects before he got home, so he stopped at the cafe. Before leaving he ate large orders of baked beans.

All the way home he putt-putted, and after arriving he felt reasonably safe that he had putt-putted his last. His wife seemed somewhat agitated and excited to see him and she exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have the wonderful surprise for dinner tonight." She then blindfolded him and led to his chair at the head of the dining table. He seated himself and just as she was ready to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She made him vow not to touch the blindfold until she returned, then went to answer the phone.

Seizing the opportunity, he shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as rotten eggs. He took the napkin from his lap and vigorously fanned the air about him. Things had just returned to normal when he felt another urge coming on him, so he shifted his weight to the other and let go again. This was a true prize winner. While keeping his ear on the conversation in the hall, he went on like this for ten minutes until he knew the phone farewells indicated the end of his freedom. He placed his napkin his lap and folded his hands on top of it, smiling contentedly to himself, and was the very picture of innocence when his wife returned, apologizing taking so long.

She then asked him if he had peeked, and he, of course, assured her that he had not. At this point she removed the blindfold, and there was his surprise—twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his dinner.

Source: Gary Thomson

Why did the chicken cross the road?

(The comments listed here are meant only as humor and no other underlying meanings.)
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the Chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road!" And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

AGENT MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

BILL CLINTON: We categorically deny the chicken did cross the road and any allegations to the contrary by the right-wing extremists should be postponed until I am out of office.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking aroud all over the place, anyway?"

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

OLIVER STONE: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the black man in order to trample him and keep him down!

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this questions denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road; it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. Alone.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

Source: FWD: Tony Haefs

Are you smarter than a 4 year old? (Well, if you have to ask.....)

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a "professional". The questions are not that difficult.

Please answer the question before looking at the answer.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is:
Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

If you answered, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator, you are wrong. The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference; all the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?

The correct answer:
The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator.
This tests your memory.

OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions, correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer:
You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting!
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.

Source: Fwd from David & Maura Hall

OWED TWO THE SPELL CHECKER

I have a spelling checker -
It came with my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.

Eye ran this poem threw it,
Yule be reel glad two no.
It's vary polished in its weigh;
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a bless sing,
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.

And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
Their are know faults with in my cite,
Of nun eye am eye a wear.

Each frays a raid up on my screen
Eye trussed to bee a joule.
The checker poured oar every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

That's why aye brake in two averse...
My righting wants too pleas.
Sow now ewe sea why aye dew prays
Such soft wear for pea seas!

Source: FWD: Sarah Craft from Wes Bush

DR. SEUSS AND TECHNICAL WRITING

In memory of Dr. Seuss. . .
What If Dr. Seuss Did Technical Writing?
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the 'puter's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

Source: FWD: Chris Mason

THE DUKE U. FLAT

For those who think that educators can be "snowed"...

This past fall semester, at Duke University, there were two sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid 'A'.

These two friends were so confident going into the final that the Saturday before finals week -even though the Chemistry final was on Monday, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends. So they did this and had a great time.

However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Aldric after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVA for the weekend and had planned to come back in time to study; but that they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time; and so were late getting back to campus.

Aldric thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved (not to mention, extremely lucky). So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time Aldric had arranged for them to take the test. He placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. "Cool," they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did the first problem and turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw printed at the top of that next page. It said: (95 points) Which tire?

Source: FWD: Sarah Craft

THE BEST PET

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.
The owner says, "How about a dog?"
The man replies, "A dog? That's so ordinary! And a dog can't do everything!"
The owner says, "How about a cat?"
The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"
The owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it -- a centipede!"
The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything. But, okay ... I'll try a centipede."
He gets the centipede home and says to it, "Clean the kitchen."
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and it's immaculate. All the dishes and silverware have been washed, polished, dried and put away. The countertops have been cleaned. The appliances are sparkling. The floor has been waxed.
He's absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."
Twenty minutes later he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed, the furniture clean and dusted, the pillows on the sofa plumped and the plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This is truly a pet that can do everything."
He says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."
The centipede walks out the door. Ten minutes later, no centipede. Twenty minutes later, no centipede. Thirty minutes later, no centipede.
The man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. Forty-five minutes later, still no centipede! The man can't imagine what happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Finally, he goes to the front door and opens it ... and there's the centipede sitting right outside the door.
The man says, "Hey! I sent you 45 minutes ago to run down to the corner and get me a newspaper. What's the story?"
The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm puttin' on my shoes!"

Source: FWD: Sarah Craft

The Texas Edition of Windows 98

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Texas Edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside of Texas.

The Texas Edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of the Alamo superimposed on the Texas flag. It is shipped with a LeAnn Rimes screen saver.
Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse. My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption. Dialup Networking is called Good Ol Boys. Control Panel is known as the Dashboard. Hard Drive is referred to as Wheel Drive; Floppies are Them Little Ole Plastic Disc Thangs.

Other features:

Instead of an Error Message you get a Winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.

Terminology:

OK= ats aww-right.
Cancel = hail no.
Reset = aw shoot.
Yes = shore.
No = Naaaa.
Find = hunt-fer it.
Go to = over yonder.
Back = back yonder.
Help = hep me out here.
Stop = ternit off.
Start = crank it up.
Settings = sittins.
Programs = stuff that does stuff.
Documents = stuff I done done.

Also note that Winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks. We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Texas Edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

Source: Dennis Campbell

THE RABBIT, THE FOX, AND THE WOLF -- A FABLE

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the weather. The day was so nice that she became careless, so a fox sneaked up behind her and caught her. "I am going to eat you for lunch!", said the fox.

"Wait!", replied the rabbit, "you should at least wait a few days."

"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"

"Well, I am just finishing my Ph.D. dissertation."

"Ha, that's a stupid excuse. What is the title of your dissertation, anyway?"

"I am writing on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"

"Are you crazy? I should eat you right now! Everybody knows that a fox will always win over a rabbit."

"Not really, according to my research. If you like, you can come to my hole and read it for yourself. If you are not convinced, you can go ahead and have me for lunch."

"You really are crazy!" But since the fox was curious and had nothing to lose, it went with the rabbit. The fox never came back out.

A few days later the rabbit was again taking a break from writing and sure enough, a wolf came out of the bushes and was ready to set upon her. "Wait!", yelled the rabbit, "you can't eat me right now."

"And why might that be, my furry appetizer?"

"I am almost finished writing my dissertation on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"

The wolf laughed so hard that it almost lost its hold on the rabbit. "Maybe I shouldn't eat you, you really are sick in the head, you might have something contagious."

"Come and read for yourself, you can eat me after that if you disagree with my conclusions." So the wolf went down into the rabbit's hole and never came out.

The rabbit finished her dissertation and was out celebrating in the lettuce patch. Another rabbit came along and asked, "What's up? You seem very happy."

"Yup, I just finished my dissertation."

"Congratulations. What's it about?"

"'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"

"Are you sure? That doesn't sound right."

"Oh yes. Come and read it for yourself." So together they went down into the rabbit's hole. As they went in, the friend saw a typical graduate student abode, albeit a rather messy one after writing a dissertation. The computer with the controversial work was in one corner, on the right there was a pile of fox bones, on the left was a pile of wolf bones, and in the middle was a large, lip-smacking lion.

The moral of the story: The title of your dissertation doesn't matter. All that matters is who your advisor is.

Source: Jim Ivey

Jokes assembled from various sources by Rusty Ivey.

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