"The Short of It" Jokes 

Do you want to hear the long-winded ones? The Long of It

Short Tales - Religious Jokes

A Pastor decided to take a Sunday off and go golfing instead. He drove to a far course, to avoid meeting any parishiners. When St. Peter saw this he went to God, "You are just going to ALLOW him to get away with this?!"

"Don't worry. I've got it under control," God replied calmly. Soon, St. Peter was watching the Pastor's game. By afternoon he had made a perfect score. A hole in one every single time!

St. Peter was absolutely furious, "God, you said you would handle it and he got a perfect score! Tell me, how is that punishment?!"

God smiled and said, "Tell me, who is he going to tell?"

(Source: Living4Jesus Newsletter)

*

The Catholic Church's air conditioning broke down, so they had to hire a man  to crawl around in the ducts and figure out what was wrong. As the man peeked down through one of the vents in the sanctuary little old Mrs. Murphy kneeling by the altar, apparently saying her rosary.

Since the man was a fundamental Baptist, he thought it'd be funny to try and mess with the lady's mind. In his best authoritative voice, he said, "This is Jesus. Your prayers will be answered."

The little old lady didn't even blink, just kept on saying her prayers. The  man decided maybe she didn't hear him, and tried again.  "This is Jesus, the Son of God!  Your prayers will be  answered!"

Again, she didn't react at all.  Mustering up a big breath of air, the man decided to try again.  "THIS IS JESUS CHRIST, THE SON OF GOD!  YOUR PRAYERS WILL BE ANSWERED!"

The lady looks up and says, "SHUT UP!  I'M TALKING TO YOUR MOTHER!"

*

A pastor in Maine skipped services one Sunday to go bear hunting. Along the trail he turned a corner and collided with a bear. the pastor stumbled, backwards, slipped off the trail, and began tumbling down the mountain, the bear in hot pursuit. Finally the pastor crashed into a bolder, breaking both his legs and sending his rifle flying through the air, just out of his reach. As the bear closed in, the pastor cried out "Lord, I'm sorry for what I have done. Please forgive me and save me! - Lord please make this bear a Christian".

Suddenly the bear skipped to a halt at the pastor's feet, fell to it's knees, clasped it's paws together, began to weep and said "God bless this food which I am about to receive!" (Source: Jim Ivey)

*

A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members.  At one house, it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the door even though the pastor knocked several times.  Finally, the pastor took out his card, wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it, and stuck it in the door.

*

One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.

The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach. The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."

So the minister began his sermon.  One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.

The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went  to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay..."

*

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that humans had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell God so. The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you; We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't You just go on and get lost."

God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest."

To which the scientist replied, "Okay,great!"

"But," God added, "we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."

The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You don't understand.  You've got to get your own dirt."  (Source: Living4Jesus Newsletter)

*

There were two men shipwrecked on this island. The minute they got on to the island one of them started screaming and yelling, "We're going to die! We're going to die! There's no food! No water! We're going to die!"

The second man was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly it drove the first man crazy. "Don't you understand? We're going to die!"

The second man replied, "You don't understand, I make $100,000 a week. "The first man looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, "What difference does that make? We're on an island with no food and no water! We're going to DIE!"

The second man answered, "You just don't get it. I make $100,000 a week and I tithe ten percent on that $100,000 a week. My pastor will find me!"

(Source: Fwd from David & Maura Hall)

*

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum."I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"

"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

(Source: Jim Ivey)

*

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'"

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

(Source: Fwd from Sarah Craft)

*

A Sunday school teacher challenged her children to take some time on Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God.  They were to bring back their letter the following Sunday.

One little boy wrote:  "Dear God, We had a good time at church today.  Wish You could have been there."

*

“Farmer Jones,” the preacher said, “if you had two mules, would you give one of them to the Lord?”  “Oh, yes,” said Farmer Jones, “if I only had two mules, I’d surely be happy to give one to the Lord.”

“Well, Farmer Jones,” asked the preacher, “if you had two cows would you give one of them to the Lord?”  “Oh, yes,” preacher, if I had two cows I’d give one to the Lord,” answered Farmer Jones.

“Well, Farmer Jones,” said the preacher, “If you had two pigs, would you give one to the Lord?”  Farmer Jones paused a moment before responding, “Now preacher, that ain’t fair.  You know I got two pigs!” (Source: Tony Haefs)

*

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always was to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."  (Source: Fwd from Sarah Craft)

*

All the great religious figures are having a contest to see who is the best programmer.  The competition finally comes down to Mohammed and Jesus. They start off creating programs at blinding speed.  They create windows, beautiful GUI interfaces, cross-platform compatibility, and advanced functionality.  All of a sudden a light bolt strikes and the power goes out.  It comes back on a few minutes later.  The judges call time and ask to see the programs.  Mohammed exclaims that he lost everything when the power went out, but Jesus is pulls up the most wonderful program ever created and wins the contest.  You know the reason why?  Only Jesus saves. (Source: Jim Ivey)

*

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father,  who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...."

To which his father replied,"Yes, and they walked every where they went!"

(Source: Fwd from Sarah Craft)

*

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, after the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.  Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.  The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently.  "Butyou'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more.  Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner."

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist! (Source: Jim Ivey)

*

A mother was teaching her three-year-old daughter The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end. "And lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen."

(Source: Fwd from Sarah Craft)

*

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

*

A young lad was visiting a church for the first time, checking all the announcements and posters along the walls. When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, "Who are all those men in the pictures?"

have a short funny bone.
Jokes assembled from various sources by Rusty Ivey.
Clean joke submissions are welcome but not guaranteed to be published.
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