"The Short of It" Jokes 

Do you want to hear the long-winded ones? The Long of It

Short Tales - The War of the Sexes

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty young girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress.  How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl.  "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to an elderly gentleman standing beside her.  "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled. (Source: Tony Haefs)

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There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple  was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

The perfect woman.

Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and no such thing as a perfect man.

But wait...

...if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident. (Source: Fwd from Chris Mason)

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• A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs.
• A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item that she does not need.
• 
  NICKNAMES
• If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
• But if Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out for a drink, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
• 
  EATING OUT
• When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
• When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
• 
  FUTURE
• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
• A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
• 
  SUCCESS
• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
• A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
• 
  BATHROOMS
• A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
• The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
• To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot.
• To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
• 
  NATURAL
• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
• Women somehow deteriorate overnight.
• 
  MARRIAGE
• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
• A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does.
• Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die.
• Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
• 
  CATS
• Women love cats.
• Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
• 
  ARGUMENTS
• A woman has the last word in any argument.
• Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
• 
  (Source: Fwd from Dennis Campbell)

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The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman, and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar having a drink when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence, will get to take me out on a date!"

So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese."

The Collie says, "That's not good enough."

The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese."

She says, " That's not creative."

Finally, the Chihuahua says, " Liver alone..........cheese mine."

(Source: Fwd from David & Maura Hall)

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have a short funny bone.
Jokes assembled from various sources by Rusty Ivey.
Clean joke submissions are welcome but not guaranteed to be published.
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